Weekly Wednesday MFK: The Hobbit

Since the Hobbit just came out, I figured we'd give it a spin. And then I realized there are virtually no chicks in the Hobbit, so it looks like we're just spinning the MFK wheel with dwarves and hobbits today. Since we can't split it up by gender, we'll split it up by species.

Dwarves:

Thorin, Balin, Kili

Assortment of Weird:

Bilbo, Gollum, Gandalf


My Take:

Dwarves:

Thorin- Marry. He's taller for a dwarf and a pretty noble dude. Plus, as the son of a king and heir to Erebor, when he ascends, that means queen-itude for me! 
Balin- Kill. Sorry old dude. Not a big fan of dwarves in general, let alone ancient ones.
Kili- Fuck. In the books he's one of the youngest and has a lot of energy. In the movies, he's played by freakin' Aidan Turner, who's gorgeous. Easy one there.

Assortment of Weird:

Bilbo- Fuck. He's adventurous for a hobbit, so I suppose he'd be a better lay than your average Shire man. Plus, he's clever, which is always a good quality in a lay.
Gollum- Kill. Shriveled, insane and probably asexual, Gollum wouldn't be sane enough to leave alive. He'd try to kill you in your sleep or if he was in a favorable mood, might leave a raw and wriggling fish on your pillow.
Gandalf- Marry. He's got power, man. Even if he's super old and wrinkly, he spends all of the Hobbit saving the merry band's asses. He can pull a lot more than parlor tricks, so the marriage would have its perks.

Anuksuna's Take:
From Wolfie's

Dwarves:

Thorin- Marry. Because he's amazing.
Balin- Kill. Sorry, Balin.
Kili- Fuck. He seems like he'd be fun in bed!

Assortment of Weird:

Bilbo- Marry. I will live in a hobbit hole and magically transform into a hobbit!
Gollum- Kill. He's suffered enough already.
Gandalf- Fuck. Gandalf probably hasn't gotten any in forever!

The City of Ashes (Join Valentine's Cruise: The Ride of Your Life!)

Awkwardness aside from the end of City of Bones, this book starts out on Jace being a sulky teenager. He bothers Luke's pack, lashes out at everyone and generally has a one man pity party. Granted, after the ew factor at the end of the last book, you partially can't blame him. And of course while everyone else is concerned with their own shit, Valentine's traipsing along bad guy trail and killing folks for stage two of his quest, the Mortal Sword. It's the seemingly-but-not-so-random kills that finally alert Clary and crew of Valentine's evil plots so they start paying attention and try to figure out what he's planning.

Downworlder Dilemmas #1: First trip they make to try and figure things out is a magical romp through Fae-land. The Fae Boss Lady ends up giving cryptic statements and pushes Clary and Jace to kiss, even though they're supposed to be sibs. However, this book was all about planting seeds of doubt that they're really siblings. So many plot threads through the book smack you in the face with it, probably to take off some of the ick towards their sibling-y lurve. However Clary kissing another dude, in front of Simon doesn't work so well since...they're dating. Oh, did I forget? I think Clary had too. She seemed so bored with the relationship that it's kind of an afterthought.

Downworlder Dilemmas #2: So disgusted by the sib on sib action, Simon rushes off to the embrace of Raphael. Well, realistically, Simon had been getting compulsions ever since he swallowed some of Raph's blood in the first book, so it was only a matter of time before he went Downworlder-side. Clary's understandably upset since even with all the shenanigans between them, Simon's still her best friend. And the crew helps Raphael bury him so he can turn. Simon, as the witty quipster gets a new level of angst post vampire-ness which begins him drawing in the ladies. But of course, not Clary, who's still smitten with Jace.

Downworlder Dilemmas #3: They figure out why Valentine's killing the Downworlders, as part of a sacrifice involving Valentine's planned assumption of power. However, shit gets real when Maia and Simon are kidnapped. Even though the adults (sans Luke of course) suck at helping them, the kids rally whomever they can. The Inquisitor causes problems of course, trying to lock Jace up, blinded by her hatred of Valentine. But eventually the obvious smacks all of them in the face and the adults join the kids on Valentine's loveboat of sacrificial destiny.

Clary manages to save the day by tapping into her special gift, the same one she used to find the Mortal Cup...her ability to create new runes. Simon's drained as hell so Jace feeds him, which ends up causing later complications. Magnus Bane makes appearances throughout, to everyone's delight. Aaaaand Clary blows a big hole into the gigantic ship they're all on, sinking it into the ocean while everyone scrambles to escape, including the big bad. Oh that pesky Valentine!

Rating: 3

Sleight of Hand (Taking "Army of One" to a New Level)

Like all good urban fantasy, the story starts rolling from the beginning and the problems only compound. That being said, Amber Farrell was a fantastic heroine. As someone who is always on the lookout for a strong female lead, I was not let down. With a background in military and police, she makes a tough ass private investigator who collects more bruises than anyone human should. Luckily, she's not human. She got infected by a vamp bite back in her army days. So quicker healing, for the win. But she's extremely resistant on the idea of bloodsucking and all that vampire goodness, even though one of her friends is undergoing the turning process. While Amber had a heaping pile of shenanigans to deal with, the real theme of this book is her struggling to deal with the fact that she's becoming more vamp by the day.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Embrace your inner Athanate #1: The first time the vamps reach out to Amber by crowding her, she fights back and thrashes them. So next time, they play by different rules and send a more skilled team. They drive her blindfolded to their super secret Vampquarters. Turns out they're not "vampires", they're the Athanate and pretty much the good guys in an ancient clan war against the creatures of the night that like to kill humans and pillage those walking chicken dinners. This is a major step for Amber since until then the only information about vampires was coming from her friend David who's going through the turning process.

Embrace your inner Athanate #2: The military's been involved somewhat since they keep tabs on Amber. Plus that jerkoff, Krantz keeps investigating why she's getting backpay even though in the records she never existed in the military. Back when she first got turned, they kept her in solitary because the scientists were looking at her as a murderous threat, not still her. The colonel she talks to ends up being a good guy, keeping the scientists from taking her back and telling her when her hero, Top, is passing away. Her moments with Top reveal a lot about her character and what shaped her into the strong, moral person she is. He sets her down the right path, reassuring her that even if she turns, no one can take away who she is.

Embrace your inner Athanate #3: In David's turning process, things have been getting dangerous throughout the book. She stops by several earlier times to check in on him but he's sickly and pale. His vamp mentor/master through the turn has been draining him, but this final time when she goes to check, he's not moving. Things went too far. This became her final turning point where she threw her restraint about vamps out the backdoor window and let him drink her blood even though she knew it would take her further along the process to becoming a vampire. For her, saving a friend is worth it which says volumes about her character.

 Amber Farrell ends the book tying up her loose ends herself, like any good investigator should. But there's a lot still brewing, the idea of war between the vampires looms overhead as a great impetus for the series. And her slight love triangle between Jen Kingslund and Alex the werewolf doctor adds some interesting spice to the novel. The part were/vamp twist? Love it. This novel left me wanting more immediately after and I'll be anxiously awaiting the next book.

Rating: 4

*I received this book for review purposes

Weekly Wednesday MFK: Codex of Alera

Butcher makes some of the most fantastic characters, so Codex definitely needs a round in MFK. Since my review of Cursor's Fury involved Couples' Corner, I thought it'd be fun to focus on the three pairs of couples. 

Girls:

Isana, Amara, Kitai

Guys:

Tavi, Araris, Bernard

My Take:

Girls:

Isana- Kill. She definitely has her badass moments, but for the majority of the series, she's the reason why Tavi had such a hard time. Between her judgmental swings and her occasional prissiness, she's gotta go.
Amara-Fuck. It seems like every time Amara and Bernard are together, she's got sex on the brain. This nympho knows what she wants, which would make her an excellent lay.
Kitai- Marry.Out of all of them, the most unlikely marrying type, right? Wrong. Kitai is loyal to a fault and once she bonded with Tavi, she's fiercely protective and would follow him anywhere, insulting him the whole way.

Guys:

Tavi- Fuck. Simple. As Kitai says, he's good with his fingers.
Bernard- Marry. This guy weathers through all of Amara's 'no we can't do this' woes and is faithfulness incarnate. He's been married before, but his wife passed, so you know he's already husband material. This is a no-brainer.
Araris- Kill. Sorry, Rari. You chose the short straw on that one.

BerzerkerTiki's Take:

Girls:

Isana- Kill. I summon her to the juris macto!
Amara- Fuck. It'd be interesting to bang someone while flying through the air. Plus, with her Cursor duties, you know she won't stick around very long.
Kitai- Marry. Chala. Is there anything she can't do? She's just awesome.

Guys:

Tavi- Marry. His sheer intelligence in any situation is unmatched. Come on it's Tavi, he's the crazy Aleran!
Bernard- Kill. I love this character and all but every time he's with Amara, babies are all he talks about. Never promise crazy a baby. 
Araris- Fuck. "The only man to ever beat me was Araris Valerian."

Cold Days (In Which Harry Gets Blue Balls)

The return of Dresden. After reading Ghost Stories, I was really antsy for this one for the sheer question...would I still like Harry? Would he be able to be the Winter Knight and be the same old wise-cracking wizard we all know and love? Where the last book felt more like a transition, this one kicked in the masterful plotting I love reading in a Butcher book. You only get a couple pages without a geek reference smacking you in the face, just the way I like my Dresden Files and same as always, you get a veritable fuckton of action. Including Harry running in fear from tiny faeries. Yes, tiny faeries.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Harry has a shitty day #1: After Mab's psychotic version of physical therapy (trying to kill him daily), it was only a matter of time before she marked her first target. However, when it's her daughter Maeve, that makes things twice as tough. How do you kill a more annoying, even more amoral, psychotic Mab Jr.? Well, it's certainly not easy to do with a pissy Redcap, some random bulked up Winter Court jerks and a squad of tiny faeries waiting to turn his day upside down. For extra bonus points, Fix, the Summer Knight, also decides to get involved at the inopportune time and gives Harry yet more grief to add to his heaping plate.

Harry has a shitty day #2: After an amazing reunion with Grasshopper (Molly), and his brother Thomas (seriously, tear), they set off for Demonreach, the island Harry is partnered with in his geosexual relationship. Well, Demonreach is not very happy, because someone is going to make it go splodey. On top of taking out Chicago, if someone gets their hands on Demonreach, they also get a horde of demons and high level bad guys that the world won't survive. And Harry's the Warden of this supernatural  big beater jail. Because obviously, he needed to get MORE involved in the fate of the planet. After heading back to Chicago, Maeve and Aurora deliver him a different order, claiming Mab needs killin' because she's been infected by the big bad. And when I say big bad, I mean the motherfucker that's been behind the scenes since book one. Top of the line.

Harry has a shitty day #3: The Nemesis (big bad) has been pulling strings from the start, but the biggest problem is figuring out who to trust at this point...who is infected. But shit becomes real clear when Harry heads to his island and finds Maeve and Aurora messing around with the seals on the prison. Even though they were the ones that told him about the bad guy, turns out Maeve got infected and the only reason everyone's been believing her is because fae can't lie. But fae who've been head-tweaked by this mystery force? Yeah, they lie their asses off. Turn's out even for a super manipulative fae, Mab's not the bad guy, just varying shades of gray.

So hell's bells, Butcher, you pulled it off again. At the very end when Maeve dies, the next person in line to become the Winter Lady is Molly, to the dismay of everyone. Yeah, they saved the day, but there are bigger problems out there now, least of all being Harry and now Molly's potential struggles to stay human despite their winter mantles. The Harry and Murph kiss? Awesome. Harry taking control of the Hunt? So much badass crammed into one book. Rabidly scratching the floorboards in anticipation for my next Dresden fix.

Rating: 5

Gardens of the Moon (When the name Whiskeyjack is the only interesting point)

So, there's a first time for everything and here on the blog, this is the first time I absolutely couldn't get through a book. I really wanted to. Erikson has some really great reviews and a lot of people hail this as a fantastic fantasy series. But, I've never been a lot of people, only my opinionated Nick Cage hating self. It opens up and we start out with some sort of revolution going on. Empress Angrypants or Priestess Prissybottom is heavily involved in the lot of it. I kept confusing the two. Probably because they had the characterization of slugs. It flashes forward to current day in the sprawling lands of who-gives-a-fuck. There's some politics happening, some game being played. It kept switching characters, from Tattersail, to Whiskeyjack to Soldier dude from the beginning to some random magical sorts, but the biggest problem with all of it was...I didn't care.

None of the characters were likeable. None of them were remotely interesting and since I get hooked into books through the characters, the story fell flat. Even the panoramic landscape which is touted to be the biggest part of the book doesn't serve as much of a character. Because I cared so little about the characters, I had a really hard time getting into the plot, especially with the timeline jumps. When writing a story so complex, with such a complicated plot, it's ABSOLUTELY essential to give the reader something to ground them/latch onto in each section. This had none of it, hence the unnecessary complexity. If I want to look at or read about gorgeous landscapes, I'll just pick up a National Geographic.

I may pick it up at a later date and give it a second shot, but right now it's not hitting me.

Rating: 1

Weekly Wednesday MFK: Divergent

Veronica Roth's award winning series is heavy on the plot twists and has a fantastic new dystopian world to explore. The books are a little kill-happy, so we've got to rock the MFK before they knock off any more people!

Girls: Tris, Christina, Tori

Guys: Four, Will, Uriah

My Take:
 
Girls:
Tris- Fuck. Tris gets too whiny in Insurgent to want her around long term, but she's pretty ballsy in the first book and would hopefully be a pretty fiery lay.
Christina- Marry. She's originally from Candor and I appreciate that type of honesty. Plus, she's loyal and talented. Definitely good for the longhaul.
Tori- Kill. She's revenge obsessed so she'd have little time for much else. I mean, the perks of having a tattoo artist could be cool for a little bit, but it'd get old fast when all she talks about is his brother.

Guys:
Four- Marry. He's an excellent instructor, selfless and has just the right amount of aloof to keep me interested. We would need to work through the daddy issues, but we've got time.
Will- Kill. Not that I don't enjoy his glib remarks, but he's probably the weakest out of everyone. Very average in the rankings, so there's a low chance he'd even make it through being a Dauntless. 
Uriah-Fuck. Dauntless-born, he definitely knows how to have a good time, which is why I'd hit him up for a quickie.

AshRose's Take:
From Ramblings, Revelations and Other Things You Probably Missed

Girls:
Tris-Marry. She's the second generation of the founders so there's power/prestige.
Christina-Fuck.Well, I don't want to kill her.
Tori- Kill. Her vengeance issues make her a liability and I wanted to do way worse things to Jeanine than kill her.

Guys:
Four-Marry. He's multi-faceted and clearly cares about other people.
Will-Kill. He'll be dead anyway.
Uriah-Fuck. Even if he's not memorable, Dauntless are probably great in bed!

The City of Bones (Snark with an occasional helping of teenage attitude)

Something gripped me with these books from the start. Maybe it was opening up with an all ages, kind of alternative club which reminded me of youth. Or maybe the whole hidden world thing. Really, it was the snarky dialogue. I am a sucker for witty banter and this book, like all of the following ones, delivers. The plot's engaging and the characters are fun (Magnus Bane, anyone?) but the real reason you truck through these books are for the interchanges between the cast and all the ridiculous things they say. Plus, the Shadowhunter thing, angels, demons and all works really well within the setting of New York City and the read through is ridiculously fun.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Shadowhunter-trainee in session #1: Clary finds out at a very rapid pace that she's something different. Although, seeing people who no one else can at the club....usually a result of a wicked trip. But as she gets dragged down into Shadowhunter land, her mom goes missing because dear mother has been lying to her. And the lovely present left in her house is some evil demon bug hybrid that she manages to kill on her own. Points for Clary. But Jace finds her and drags her off to "The Institute" a place for bright, young assholes to learn how to kill shit!

Shadowhunter-trainee in session #2:  They hit a party looking for answers about Clary's past and Clary has her YA-staple, 'I wore a dress and it made me magically pretty' moment, extra Jace attention included. Isabelle and Simon have been flirting around and under her watchful care, Simon turns into a rat. The whole Magnus Bane party is nothing short of hilarious, but ends with Simon going missing. Which leads to some real field action for Clary, the next step in becoming the Shadowhunter she should've been. Clary and Jace go save Simon by busting into a vamp den, irresponsible-style.

Shadowhunter-trainee in session #3: Through all of this, they figure that Valentine (big bad/secret father) kidnapped Jocelyn because he wanted to know where the Mortal Cup was located. After Clary's makeout session with Jace turns sour and Simon's pissed at her, she finally focuses on the game. She discovers she has the ability to create runes on her own and realizes where her mother hid the Mortal Cup--inside the tarot deck she painted for their neighbor. From there on, Clary's pretty much considered a Shadowhunter at this point, not even considering herself a mundane any more. (Although, if I got to use a cool term like that, I probably would too)

Big confrontation with Valentine (worst villain name ever) and then the author decides to drop the narstiest bomb on you. I wanted to go take a shower after this. Jace and Clary, who have been making gooey eyes at each other from day one, are siblings. At first, I was completely turned off to the books after that, but I was glad I read on, because Cassandra Clare manages to turn things around and come up with a satisfying conclusion to the trilogy. Now I can reread it fine because I know what happens, but man...that initial readthrough made me feel slimy at the end when I found out.

Rating: 4

Weekly Wednesday MFK: the Mortal Instruments

The Mortal Instruments

An excellent series of snarks and Shadowhunters, as one of my newer favorites, it definitely needed to take a spin in the MFK chair. 

Girls: Clary, Isabelle, Maia

Guys: Jace, Magnus Bane, Alec

My Take:

Girls:
Clary- Marry.Well, if she could remain dedicated to Jace even when she thought they were siblings, that shows some commitment, right? Plus I have a soft side for redheads.
Isabelle- Fuck. Isabelle's a little firebrand and has the attention span of a fish, which would be fine for the bedroom, but no bueno for anything longer lasting.
Maia- Kill. Aside from her random backstory about hating pretty boys, she comes off as grumbly most of the time and just as biased as the rest of them.

Guys:
Jace- Fuck. He knows how to flirt and play games which would definitely be an asset in the bedroom. Plus, if I had to deal with his impertinence all the time...he'd end up hung from the rafters.
Magnus Bane- Marry. Can you say free warlock services for life? Plus, he knows what he wants and isn't afraid to push a little. The glitter might get a little old after awhile, but you know he'd always change things up. 
Alec- Kill. On top of being whiny about Magnus for most of the books, his wishy washiness is a turn off. Sorry Alec, you're getting das boot.

N7_2501's Take:

Girls:
Clary- Kill. Sorry dear. But it's okay. I feel there would too much vanilla sex followed by lots of holding and what are you thinkings.
Isabelle- Fuck. The Fuck is pretty obvious in this one, Isabella. Sure she's gorgeous but there's also something under the surface there, a little to much potential cray-cray for me. I'm sure she's a great time in bed, she carries a whip to go grocery shopping for gods' sake, so I can't pass up the chance but I'm not sure if I'm up for helping her to work through her 'issues', middle child syndrome and all that. I'd keep her in my phone but I'm not sure if I'd accept a friend request on Facebook... unless there were a lot of pictures.
Maia- Marry. hmmmm.... I'm gonna have to go with Maia. She just seems like she has her shit a bit more together and she's already been through a lot so you know she can handle herself. And she's a werewolf so hiking and camping are probably totally her thing. And she's just got more sauce.

Guys:
Jace- Marry. Sure, he's full of himself but what half angelic gorgeous looking Olympic grade athletic seventeen year old demon slayer with superpowers isn't? And unlike Magnus Bane, he's not eight hundred years old, he'll grow out of it... eventually.
Magnus Bane- Fuck. Dude's way too out there to pass up a chance to see what kind of freaky shit he's into. I'm almost tempted to say Marry, but he's just a little too full of himself for my taste.
Alec- Kill. He's just too emo and mopey for me. I know some people like that kind of thing but me, not so much. I'd much rather spend the next fifty years dealing with Jace's assholery than tackle the cornucopia of neurosis that's gonna spill out of that guy in his mid teens.

Insurgent (Tris's Got a Gun--But Won't Use It)

First off, I'd like to say that Divergent was phenomenal. One thing Veronica Roth does very well as an author is her brilliant twists.The plot races around just as much in this one and the cliffhanger ending does a lot to make you want to read more. One thing that did change though from Divergent to Insurgent is the tone of the book as well as the tone of Tris' character.Tris's character in Divergent had seemed kind of callous, but when you place her in the setting of the Dauntless, its diminished because you have a lot of people who are like that and are shoving their emotions down to be brave. And then her actions prove her to go above and beyond the other people around her so she's admirable even though she can be really rough around the edges. However, in Insurgent, she goes between tears and coldness most of the time and it becomes tougher to empathize with her character. One second its snotty sniffles into a bucket of tissues and the next she's angry with other people for crying. The jumps get hard to keep track of, but the plot still moved at an interesting pace and she stepped up in the end.


***SPOILER ALERT***


Faction Hopping 101 #1: They start out in Amity and quickly we learn just how well Dauntless fit in when everyone's a hippie peacenik. Tris lasts a record short amount of time before she's injected with happy juice, which lead to a quite precious sequence of her being...NICE...gasp. But Amity only lasts so long before they get the boot again, next to Candor, where they're also not welcome. It seems everywhere they turn, Eric, Erudite, or someone they know is looping around the corner, shaking a gun at them and giving them hell.


Faction Hopping 101 #2: On a cool twist, we finally meet Tobias's mother who was supposed to have died. She was factionless instead though and we're introduced to this whole separate world outside of the factions. Unlike the horrible rumors and bus stop menagerie we see in Divergent, this book gives us a new glimpse into the Factionless. It's a thriving community, one that's only growing by the second. And one which we find out, is pissed from being ex-communicated from the rest.

Faction Hopping 101 #3: Although Tris had a brief stint in Erudite as Jeanine's prisoner, the end wraps up like the first one, back at Erudite's headquarters to knock down their fearless leader a couple pegs. But when everyone drops down on agendas, Four and the rest and following the factionless plan, which seems suspicious and a little too brutal for Tris's tastes. (Even though she had no problem with brutal in the first book -_-) However even when Tobias's mother pulls her sudden but inevitable betrayal at the end, the book ties up on one kicker of a twist.

While none of the characters appeal to me too greatly, the world's a fascinating one and the plot twists make for a fun read. Would I go wait in a line to buy this book? Nah. But I'd definitely check it out when the next one hits the shelves. 

Rating: 3